Starting a conversation with a friend
Think about the where, when and what - where to talk, when to talk and what to say
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Where
Choose somewhere quiet without interruptions where you can have a relaxed conversation. Do something relaxing. Sometimes it’s easier to talk openly when the focus isn’t just on the conversation you’re having. You might like to suggest going for a walk together, or invite your friend round for a drink or a meal. |
“Often going on a walk with my friends helps. We can talk for hours walking around the woods and the setting also serves as a fun thing to do when the weather is nice” |
When
Make sure you have enough time to chat. If you have a short amount of time to talk this can put more pressure on the conversation, and if you have to leave halfway through they may feel hurt or interpret your leaving in the wrong way.
You might have shared initial concerns with others in your friendship group, but remember that it might be intimidating if you all approach your friend as a group. It might be easier to have a conversation when it is just the two of you. This should also be reflected in your language - saying ‘I’ rather than ‘we’.
Avoid difficult times. It’s probably best to avoid starting a deep conversation at times that are particularly difficult or stressful for individuals. For example meal times or food shopping for a student with an eating disorder.
Make sure you have enough time to chat. If you have a short amount of time to talk this can put more pressure on the conversation, and if you have to leave halfway through they may feel hurt or interpret your leaving in the wrong way.
You might have shared initial concerns with others in your friendship group, but remember that it might be intimidating if you all approach your friend as a group. It might be easier to have a conversation when it is just the two of you. This should also be reflected in your language - saying ‘I’ rather than ‘we’.
Avoid difficult times. It’s probably best to avoid starting a deep conversation at times that are particularly difficult or stressful for individuals. For example meal times or food shopping for a student with an eating disorder.
What
First things to remember
- Be prepared: You might find it helpful to write down some of the things you want to say, either just to prompt yourself, or as a letter to give to your friend.
- Consider your body language: Try to keep your body language open and approachable throughout the conversation.
- Try to focus on thoughts and feelings rather than behaviours: This helps you to look at the bigger picture of what is going on in your friend’s life rather than getting caught up in the ins and outs of specific behaviours.
- Respecting privacy: Remember that your friend might not be ready for other people to know just yet – be supportive and encouraging, and offer to be on hand when they decide to tell their GP, tutor or another friend.
The conversation itself
- Don’t worry about not understanding everything that your friend is going through, or not knowing exactly the right thing to say. Try not to act shocked or surprised as this could make you friend feel uncomfortable. Don’t worry about giving advice - simply by giving your friend the opportunity to talk, you are showing them that they are not alone and that you are there for them.
- Ask open questions such as ‘What can I do to support you with that?’. These types of questions give more opportunity for conversation and are more likely to encourage your friend to open up about their concerns. Try to be supportive and understanding when you ask questions.
- ‘Why’ questions can feel quite aggressive sometimes. For instance, asking ‘What is it about this situation that’s worrying you?’ might seem less intimidating than ‘Why are you doing that?’
- Use language that is reflective as a way to show that you have really heard what your friend is trying to say and to help reflect back emotions that your friend might not have initially recognised.
- For example, use phrases such as: • ‘It sounds as if…’ • ‘It seems that…’ • ‘What I understand is that…’ • ‘So it’s almost as if…’
- If your friend is finding it difficult to open up in person consider letter writing. If a friend wants to talk but doesn’t know what to say, you could suggest that they write to you as a useful first step.
After the conversation
- Supporting a friend isn’t just about sharing worries and concerns – it’s also about keeping up with the things you enjoy and spending time together as friends. “What do you want to do?” can be a difficult question to answer if you’re struggling, so it’s good to be able to suggest a plan.
- And remember that even if your friend seems hesitant about joining in with social situations, it’s important to keep inviting them along so that they continue to feel included in your friendship group.
If things get tougher
- If your friend is having a tough time, they may find themselves feeling more irritable or anxious, or feel their mood rapidly changing from one moment to the next. If you are worried that this is putting a strain on your friendship, try to remember that their behaviour doesn’t reflect on you or your relationship. Ups and downs are a normal part of life: give them time and allow them to confide in you when they’re ready.
You can also:
- Do small things to show you care. This can really help to bridge the gap between you if things seem difficult: send them a text to make them smile or drop by their room with a cup of tea.
- Encourage your friend to reflect on any particular situations that they find difficult and whether there is anything you could do to help. They could do this through a letter if it feels more comfortable.
- Remember that motivation to change varies over time and depends a lot on the situation. If your friend is having a hard day, they may seem more negative about their ability to cope. Simply by being a supportive friend, you can really help to give them the courage and motivation they need to start making positive changes.